Sunday, November 11, 2012

Once Upon a Time: I Don't Think We're in Storybrook Anymore, Toto


UM...How do I put this delicately?  HOLY MAD HAT, BATMAN!

Can you believe they all went trottin’ down into that hole like Alice?!?  That was nutter butters!  And now are we going to have to spend the rest of the season waiting for Snow and Emma to return??  I wish that kid went with them; he gets on my nerves.  And I wish Charming went with them and came back as actual CHARMING.  Because whats-his-name from real life annoys me, too.  Just take your huge, unlaced Timberlands and go back to the land of make believe where you belong (and where - for some strange reason - you’re way hotter.) 

Emma rocks.  I LOVE that she’s all “Um...yeah...we’re not exactly heading to brunch and celebrating Mother’s Day yet, OK Snow?  So just take your cute hair and your lovable ears and back it way the frig out of my bizznazz.”  

And you know what else I HAVE to say?  I love the Queen.  Is there something wrong with me?  Seriously.  Cuz I do.  Even her VOICE is cool.  And she’s evil - so that’s bad, right?  Except I feel bad for her when they start that backstory about her true love being murdered by her bitchy mom.  I wish someone could turn her.  But then we’d have no show, right? 

OK - so - Robert Carlyle.  Why do I want to have this man’s babies?  I mean Lorddddddddddd look at his teeth.  Geez - if there ever was a poster child for Britain having a bad Dental system, I'm sorry to say, it is him.  (I’m totes kidding, btw...I have zero clue what the British Dental system is like and am just having fun with that old, stereotypical, bad joke.) 

OK anyway - Rumps.  The Stiltz man.  Mmmm Hmmm.  Ever since the days of him stripping with Tom Wilkinson and that pleasantly plump dude from that sitcom with Jamie Gertz who had a horrendous American accent - I have loved him.  I LOVE LOVE LOVE his Scots accent.  Holy crap.  He is another one like Gerard Butler who should never be allowed - by law and holy proclamation - to use anything but his Scots accent.  And what’s with Belle being Australian?  They seem to take a lot of license with that show.  (Seen Sir Lancelot on the coming attractions?!  That shiz is FINE - but just doesn’t match up to the Lancelot in my head!)  NOT that I don’t love Emilie de Ravin.  I do - and she’s perfect for that part, too.  Except for her Australian accent.  It’s distracting.  I mean - listen to Sarah Bolger!  Her American accent is fabu - and we all know she’s Irish yet sounded very British as her role as The Lady Mary in The Tudors.  Not to be confused with that other “Lady Mary” who I can’t WAIT to start blogging about as soon as Downton Abbey airs here in the US. 

OK onward.  I think I covered mostly everything.  The premiere certainly delivered - did it not??  Wowsa.  Very exciting and I’m looking forward to next week!  Unless Snow continues to badger Emma about the mom crap because that could get annoying. 

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