Monday, May 6, 2013

Game of Thrones: Ten Shows in One!

Spoiler Alert:  I'm caught up as of today. 

***NOTE:  Beware.  I started off this post with no recollection of newer character names.  I hope my descriptions suffice.

I'm so upset because I am running
out of things to be upset by.
OK...a few minutes in and trying to remember who the curly haired chick who can't skin a rabbit is?  Why don't I remember her?  And it's pretty surprising that they both obey listen to the little Stark kid.  Uh ohhhh...the Stark kid's young advisor and dreamer-at-large saw Jon Snow..."on the wrong side of the wall, he was surrounded by enemies."  DOH!  That's not good news now, is it??  I hope Jan Brady isn't going to sell John out again.

Oh for the love of god...speaking of Jon Snow - does he ALWAYS have to look so damned miserable?  Geez dude...you just got laid for god's sake...smile for a second, would ya?

Oooh Arya is learning to handle a bow so she can be even more badass when she gets older and rules.  Yup.  I said it.  She'll rule.  You saw it here first.  (LOL those of you who read the books are laughing at me right now, I'm sure.)

Ew.  This redheaded chick who springs forth black powder babies from her loins bugs the crap out of me.  And here she is - in a cave - with guys I'll call Dude 1 and Dude 2.  Dude 1 has really bad teeth and Dude 2 has one eye...and "dies all the time" according to my husband.  Uh oh...one-eyed Dude 2 says he's been to the other side and it's dark.  I'm thinking that shouldn't be a surprise to the red headed chick as she's a freakkkkkkkk of the devil.

Ooooh snap!  They took Arya's bud and Arya stood up to her and asked if he (Dude 1) was taking him because of the Lord of Light - or because of the redheaded beotch.  And the read headed beotch just said a bunch of jibberish to Arya's bud - and says she "sees darkness" in Arya.  Shiz.  Wait - more jibberish fron Red about different colored eyes that Arya will "shut forever".  WTF does that mean?  Ugh...I loathe her cryptic bullshit.  Arya should just kill her now so we can move this along and get back to Jaime Lannister (who doesn't seem to be making an appearance this evening, damnit!)

How long do you think you can stand
to see me hanging on this big, huge X? 
OH my god this Theon-tied-to-an-X thing is reallyyyyyy freaking me out.  I'm getting a little sick Please...cut it off!"
of all these freaks cutting off appendages on this show.  Geez - at least give me more than 2 weeks to recover before you start threatening to cut off a pinky.  And I love how no one bleeds to death.  They just soak their stump for a bit and everything works out OK.  Oh crap - he guessed that...fjddddddd!!!!!  Sorry...keyboard slip when the pinky business started.  SHIT - he BEGGED him to cut it off!  I thought "No way is he every going to beg him to cut it off" and BAM!  "

OK I think I need to go throw up now.  GOD this show is gross.

"The lords of my fists are about to compel your teeth."  ROFLMAO!  Best...line...ever!!!  That's the type of thing I'd say to my kids only it would be more like "The lords of my palm are about to compel your backside."  NOT that I ever follow through.  And they've realized this by now and laugh at me when I say things like that.  And then we all start laughing and I forget what I was annoyed at in the first place.

OK WAIT!!!!

What do you mean I can't go with Jaime??  But I'm in a dress!
SASQUATCH IN A DRESS!!! All dolled up with her hair did!  OMG, that RULES!  It was so surprising, it stopped me from getting all aflutter over Jaime Lannister showing up on screen.  Poor thing...trying to cut his meat with his left hand.  And if he can't do that, how's he going to learn how to use a sword?  Dang.  And DANG - did you see that subtle little hand touch when Sasquatch held up her knife.  OH yeah.  They're gonna do it.  It's only a matter of time.

"You men may have a stomach for bloodshed and slaughter, but this is another matter, I assure you."  Another awesome line - this time by Olenna.

"True, we don't tie ourselves in knots over a discreet bit of buggery..."  OMG I love this woman.

HOLY Crap.  Apparently one little pick ax can topple a whole mountain.  I thought that was IT for
I'm just pissed because I don't have a
girlfriend who looks like Jan Brady.
Jan Brady.  Seriously.  I never thought she'd make it up that mountain after the crack heard round the 7 kingdoms.  And you knowwwwww this is not over between Jon Snow and that ugly dude who cut the rope.  Not by a longshot.  We'll be seeing this come up again.  I hope John grows a set and kills that ass.

Sansa is all excited about her wedding...and the Tyrell dude is all excited about wearing her dress after she takes it off.  LOL

Holy SHIT SHIT SHIT...Tyrion is going to tell Sansa that he has to marry her...but his girlfriend/ho is in the room and won't leave!  SHIT!!!!  OMG here it comes.  "This is awkward."  ROFLMAO.  SHIT and they leave us there!  NOooooo!!!

Ew.  Joffrey is just disgusting.  Seriously.  Just gross.  Someone should hang him upside down and tickle his feet until he squeals like the little baby he is.  What a loser.  And Cersea is his mother...so you know she's as evil as they come for rearing such a shitty little bastard.

"Sansa, don't you know how lucky you
are?  I am the hottest bad boy to come
down the pike since Neil Patrick Harris!"
DOH!  Tito, get Sansa a tissue.  She's upset that she has to marry Tyrion, which tells me m'girl is CRAY CRAY because I would HIT THAT like nobody's business.  And is it me or does Tyrion's girlfriend/ho seem more pissed than upset?  I love her - I really wish they could be together out in the open.  Never say never.

OH boy. Jon Snow, you ignorant slut!  Nahhhh he's adorable.  I'm glad he's finally adopted this "eff it - I don't care" attitude about kissing his girl on top of the mountain.  Even if she does look like the movie Jan Brady.

Next week scenes:  Oh NO!  Jamie is leaving Sasquatch!  Oh good - Khaleesi.  EEEK...so much going on next week, I can't keep up!  They are getting to this point where almost everyone is in every episode.  Holy crap - it's like a highly concentrated hit of character goodness every week!

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